Confessions of a (sometimes angry) Feminist

I usually try really, really hard to be a neutral sort of feminist. But the truth is, sometimes I am actually just really, really angry. And you know what's ridiculous about that? I'm afraid to admit it, because of the whole "angry feminist" stereotype.

Except that I don't really see what's so wrong with being angry, as long as it's productive. Here's what is wrong: rape culture, the salary gap, double standards, and unrealistic expectations pushed on women. Those issues are so much worse than a woman being angry because of those perfectly legitimate reasons! But that isn't how our society usually views it. It seems to me that most people prefer feminists who, in spite of everything, embrace the passive feminine role, and realize things are the way they are because that's how they are, and who seek to change it by quiet debate. The only issue I have with that is I can't really care about an issue unless I get angry about it, and I think that's the case with most people.

Yes, I'll say it: I'm angry at men. It's actually more accurate to say that I'm angry at man culture. That's sort of the reasonable feminist's taboo--we're not supposed to say that! The thing is, I'm not necessarily angry at any particular man, or even most men. I'm angry that men, without even realizing it, control so much of what goes on in this world. It's getting better in civilized countries, but nearly everything we see, engage in, and consume is controlled by man culture; this is probably because most of the people who are in the positions to control those things are men.

Here, I realize, it is necessary to add this disclaimer: I'm not a man-hater, and I'm not trying to generalize about men. So many men are wonderful. Many of my good friends are men, and there is one man in particular who is quite literally the center of my world. But men's desires, preferences, and goals are so permeated in culture, that women cannot escape from them. It's actually become even more obvious to me since I started this blog, because the subject of my feminism keeps getting brought up. I actually started this blog much more optimistic than

I am now. Of course, many people have come out in full support of me, and that's wonderful.

What's disturbing, though, is that so many women have spoken up to say that they dislike feminism because of the whole "angry feminist" thing. Or "superior feminist" thing. Or "man-hating feminist" thing. There are so many! I've blogged about this before, but I have to say that now, I really blame man culture for that. I think women who distance themselves from feminism have either somehow interacted with all of the wrong feminists (it's kind of hard for me to believe that every feminist they have encountered has been the "bad kind," but maybe), or else they've been led to believe by deniers that there is no problem, and women are just getting their panties in a bunch (a phrase which infuriates me!) over nothing. Feminists are women who look for problems so they'll have something to bitch about over glasses of wine. I think, however, that even the feminists who give feminism a bad name are justified in their anger. Even the angriest feminist is better than the most sexist man. One is fighting for a legitimate cause--the other is working to preserve an archaic, harmful system.

So many men don't want to face the fact that there is a problem and they, by default of their sex, have contributed to it. What's sad is that they don't have to contribute to women's issues, but by denying both the very real issues that women face because of them, and their privilege as a man, they are contributing to the problem.

For example, in my recent post about SlutWalk and victim-blaming, and in my general browsing about the topic, I realized that many perfectly reasonable people engage in victim-blaming. This infuriating sort of, "I'm not saying it's right but, you know, sluts do get raped" speech. Not just in response to my blog, of course, but all across the internet. But what is the standard of beautiful, both in the United States and in most Western cultures? Thin but shapely, and showing plenty of skin. So women try to live up to that standard, because that's what we've been fed. So the message women get is, "I'd like you to wear that short skirt and low-cut, tight shirt so I can see your legs and cleavage, but don't come crying to me when you get raped." How is that fair?

Of course, women don't have to align themselves with men's desires. I'd like to think that I dress in ways that are comfortable for me, but I have to wonder how much of it is controlled by men's expectations and I've just become comfortable with it.

I hate that I thought today about taking a walk by myself, but I ultimately decided that I just wasn't comfortable going out without my boyfriend, or without anyone. I hate that if I'm waiting in the car while my boyfriend goes into the bank or gas station, he is uneasy enough to insist that I lock the doors. I hate that if I walk by myself through a bar or restaurant, I can't feel confident and beautiful that men are looking at me; instead I feel creeped out and suspicious.

This also means that it sort of sucks for men. There are the disrespectful, misogynistic, and downright dangerous guys that ruin it for everyone. Most of the men I know are perfectly respectful, and dislike the oppression of women as much as I do. It's those men who will acknowledge that oppression, not deny it, who actually have equality in mind. I praise those men--they are willingly giving up power and privilege in order to make room for us, just for the sake of equality. It's the people (and not just men) who refuse to see why women's issues are, in fact, issues that infuriate me, and who spur me on to keep writing, arguing, and protesting for women's rights.