Girl on Girl Hate

It's been a while since I've posted. I just finished up my first semester of graduate school, and I have lots of things to say about gender issues. Expect much more posting in the next few months while I'm on break!

When I was a teenager, I used to say something that, now, when I hear other girls and women say it, I cringe: "I just don't get along with girls. They're [bitchy, catty, dramatic, etc.]" The truth is, I did have a few female friends as a teenager, but most of my friends were, in fact, guys. Now I realize that I probably cheated myself out of some really meaningful, important relationships by having this sexist attitude. Of course, I didn't realize it was sexist, or that women could even be sexist against women, but that's exactly what it was.

The media loves to pit women against women. While it's rare that women are featured as main characters, particularly in comedy movies, when they are they're often engaged in competition with other women. Think about how many movies you've seen in which a woman pulls another woman's hair, or something like that. Or where women are fighting over a man. Even Bridesmaids, touted as the film to finally get female-headed comedies into the collective Hollywood mind, heavily featured female competition. How many films or shows can you think of that actually feature a genuine friendship between women? The idea is gaining some popularity, but it's still not enough, and unfortunately I see many young women engaging in this same kind of competition that we see in so many shows and movies.

I think part of the issue is that women are taught that we are our bodies. The sum of everything we are, and what people think of us (usually automatically) is the judgment they make on our bodies. After thousands of years of this, we've internalized it, and now judge ourselves and our fellow women by their bodies. Recently, writer Samantha Brick wrote an article about how women hate her because she's beautiful. In the article, Brick talks about how she has gotten favors from men (strangers paying her cab fare, for example), but that women don't want to be her friend, don't ever ask her to be a bridesmaid, and that her female bosses have been jealous enough of her to make her workday miserable. Whether all of this is true, what's telling is the comments section. I often joke that the comments section on online articles is where peoples' humanities go to die (really--read the comments on any article that has to do with gender or race). The comments on this article were lots of people, lots of women telling Brick that she isn't attractive enough to receive the kind of behavior she claims to be receiving. I admit, the article is a little annoying. But why did women have to point out that they didn't think she was attractive?

In some ways, Brick may have a point. I think that sometimes women do become very jealous of each other, and are suspicious of very beautiful women. But it's because we are made to feel so terribly insecure about the way we look (it seems to me that the source of the article is Brick's insecurity; same thing for the women writing the comments). If a particularly gorgeous woman walks into the room, we may feel like we've lost something. Unlike men, we aren't usually given the opportunity to show that we are funny, or smart, or great at telling stories, because so much emphasis is given to our bodies. Even if people realize our great qualities, being funny is not usually considered a girl's best quality. Being pretty is. So if we feel unattractive because a more attractive woman is around, we may feel that we're not worth quite as much as we were before she came around.

However engaging in competition with other women, women who should be our friends and allies in fighting off sexism, is only hurting women as a whole. We should be admiring women for their beauty and personalities. I have many beautiful friends, who are amazingly intelligent and gut-bustingly hilarious.We must realize that just because the rest of the world might define women by our appearance, we don't have to. We need to fight this mentality, and open ourselves up to not just friendships with women, but we also need stop ourselves from judging other women based on their appearance. So what if a girl has a really low-cut top? So what if she has the kind of hair you only see in shampoo commercials? It doesn't matter. She's not a threat. And if she is--if you're seriously afraid your partner will leave you for the next pretty face, it might be time to rethink your relationship. A person like that is only damaging your self-esteem, and doesn't deserve you. Because you're beautiful.

I'm the kind of person who is really choosy about my friendships. I have a small group of close friends, but I have found that my friendships with women have been some of the closest, most comfortable and most meaningful friendships I've ever had. Women can connect on a level that men and women often can't (romantic relationships are, of course, a different story), and can relate to each other in a way that is refreshing. I remember when I realized I could talk about cramping and being irritated at the guy who whistled at me to someone who could understand and sympathize. It was beautiful and refreshing. I don't know what I'd do without my female friends, and I have no idea how I survived without them before. I'm not saying that women can't have meaningful relationships with men, because we definitely can and I do. But there are so many wonderful things about female bonding that women should want, rather than reject.

So please, don't assume that you can't be friends with other women because they're catty or gossipy or moody or whatever. Because I know plenty of guys who are catty, gossipy, and moody. The entire world, us included, needs to realize that women are actually people, not walking stereotypes with boobs. Give a girl a chance, and get some female solidarity!